9 mai 2020
My First Steps
Mood of a demon and thoughts burning like sulfur as I get closer to the exit..I got that feeling as if I am about to strip my clothes, undress the blame and the reprochment to myself.
As if I was in parturition and my rebirth will be on my doorsteps..
As if I’m about to take off my memories, my mind, my ignorance and even hide my name in my pocket..uproot my heart, pluck out my veins and continue walking to my path.
Few months passed , and I was hiding myself under the lines, between the silence layers..
I was hiding from the world and wondering how will life start again?
Hiding and stalking at myself from afar, rethinking about the meaning of existence!!
I wonder what lies ahead behind those dams?
And why does the Human always think of himself as a victim? And whenever he ruined something, he falls into the escape trap again! Evades from responsibility..
I wonder if his mind’s composition brutal by nature?
And why do we always call our mistakes spontaneous behaviour?
A Human being with full body and an empty mind, submitting to his dominant desires , governed by his superego and vanity.
I wonder myself , what would happen if we’ll all disappear from this planet?
My doubts torn me about what tomorrow will have for us! How can we return to meet and face each others again? What has changed? And what might change more??
What would be the first word that come to my mind when I’ll see the first survivor..after this exhausting absence!?
How will I face my fragility with the greatness of this planet, which is slowly taking revenge from us and our stupid prophecies?!
How long will take for me to rebuild my new pieces, and tame my rambunctious feelings?!!
I opened the door, and took my first steps with shivering, trembling feets..with heavy sobs and the smacks of the harsh days on this frightened heart with fast racing beats, rushing for freedom..in hurry for the first human contact, for the first breath..the first cry after days and days of solitude and void.
I was outside again but I couldn’t even speak, my voice remained trapped in my throat..
I was walking with a lost voice in the crowds..looking at people’s faces, seeing only bodies, feeling only the loneliness surrounding me, as if they are used to their home’s darkness..
Each embraces his fear, doesn’t approach the other..avoids any eye contact! As if they’re ghosts in the fog’s city.
I had a feeling like leaving the prison’s life and entering the prison’s self ..
As if I moved from one cell to another, as if everyone is standing on the edge of the road..waiting behind the red light that cannot be crossed, fearing and awing the death.
My First Steps were like as if I was walking in a burning forest that only ghosts of the past survived in it..with a clock ticking inside of me and a wall clock hanging on a wall, that doesn’t exist!!
As if time has already announced that it has ended with the last breaths of the past, and this land will no longer forgive even for those who have sinned against themselves..
As if now, has become just yellow smiles that crept into our lips after we had a stray bullet from an unlicensed gun, that hit the target from its first shot.
I continued walking in the soulless streets, while hearing disturbing drums beating by messy hands like those announcing the moment of war..
The questions kept flowing into my mind..
We’ve been prisoners of loneliness and fear for months but are we now prisoners of our own selves!??
Or my prison has become the fear of approaching the other??
Couldn’t I get rid of my inner world?
Did I bring it outside with me?
What am I afraid of..??
Eye contact, vidéo, 1’00 min , Juin 2020
© camille pradon